Franco Cozzo: Ironically ugly furniture is also regular ugly

14 Nov

Franco Cozzo Furniture stores have two locations and a fun-filled reputation. And when I say fun-filled I mean stuffed with cocaine, and when I say reputation I mean furniture. Franco Cozzo is now 97% coke-free and proud of it, by the way.

But after the smuggling cocaine into Australia inside imported Italian furniture thing died down, Franco kept the ball rolling some how. That’s right, this business is existing solely on the sales of it’s, shall we say… unique furniture ensembles.

My guess is this stuff is being bought by ancient Italian people stockpiling furniture due to subtle blend of dementia and macular degeneration. Mind you only the blind would want this furniture, and ironically with the bed’s absurd curlicues it is entirely unsuitable for the blind or indeed darkness. One bed ensemble is made to resemble a baroque porcelain vignette. It is so blistered with gold squiggly nodes you’d only get to wear long trousers to bed or your partner will be hauled away for domestic abuse after concerned friends call the police. Your screams that the bed did it, the bed beat you up result in nothing but acrimony and deprogramming for Stockholm Syndrome.

Perhaps worse than the chintzy kitsch of the Merry-Buxom-Shepherdess-and-Friends Bed is the broad sweep of their art deco inspired sets. Think enamel, shaped into billowing mirror-embedded ostrich feathers. In White, Black or Red. Or a faux Walnut and gold trim? Lovely.

I think I could own one of these beds. But I wouldn’t tuck it away in a bedroom for nobody to see. I would put it in the reading room at the top of my stairs. I would make it literally the first thing you see when you come into the house. I would put black satin sheets on it and a Chinese motif puce raw satin quilt. I may even place a spotlight above it. Something this hideous, this bedstead in such willfully tasteless splendour, does not come cheap. I want to get my money’s worth.

And if my friends aren’t impressed I have a totally fucked up bed in my living room, well then I’ll just crack open the big enamel swellings on the bed-head and see if I can’t make my money back.


Tags: , , , ,

Leave a Reply


  1. joanium

    July 5, 2011 at 12:11 pm

    That is hilarious. I tried to find out more about this crazy store and you have given it to me.